scenes from a public pool.

so after battling an awful summer cold, i decided to go swim some laps this morning. note to savvy readers: bad chest cold & lap swimming do not mix. after four lengths, i gave up, put on my spf and settled myself into a chaise and commenced to the second best thing to do at the pool after laps ~ people watching.

1. the lifeguards
should lifeguards really be wearing two pieces that resemble bikinis? call inga old, but really. lifeguards in near bikinis do not inspire a lot of confidence. i spent a fair share of my summers in college and grad school lifeguarding. we had to wear one-piece suits that covered our fronts and backs. unattractive? totally. screwed up tan lines? for sure. but we were working. we sat in our chairs with our stupid one pieces, whistles on lanyards around our necks, visors pulled down over our eyes. if we weren't in our chairs, we stood on deck with a flotation device in our arms.

at the pool today, the lifeguards wore two-piece suits and sat on the deck, not in their guard chairs, but on lounge chairs, legs stretched out languidly in front of them. suit straps pulled down so as not to cause unsightly tan lines. a pal sitting next to them, chatting. uhm...really? it just seems like a tan kind of outweighs the safety thing. i mean, don't get me wrong, inga rocks the tan, but should the lifeguards really focus on it?

2. old guys
shortly after i settled into my chaise, book in hand, a gaggle of high school girlies fluttered in and settled themselves close by. the girls were all super cute, super smooth skinned, super 'like oh my god!' - full of conversation. their bikinis? super cute. their bellies? super pierced. their conversation? super annoying. but c'mon. they're girlies. they were settling in for a day at the pool.

maybe 15 min. later, an older dude comes ambling in. he bypasses the area i'm in (granted, i purposefully sit by the old grannies & pappies who swim laps - it makes me look super tan in comparison) and chooses a chair right next to the gaggle. now, old dude is admittedly in good shape and has a rockin' tan, this is clear. but compared to the girlies? he's old. you know. upper 40s for sure. he takes his long ass time slathering on suntan oil, arranging his towel, stretching. the gaggle are gaggling, oblivous to him. he shakes out more oil, slathers it on. two of the gaggle break away and jump into the pool, careful not to muss their hair or wet their sunglasses. a third hems and haws about getting in the water, but eventually acquieces to sit on the side of the pool. as she strumps along, old dude totally eye-molests her. so obvious. so, so sad. the gaggle, it's clear, are grossed out.

3. divorcees.
as a former lifeguard and swimmer, frankly, i'm comfortable in a bikini, even if, say, i no longer look all kate moss-ish. and i've spent enough time on the costa blanca and costa del sol to have witnessed plenty of folk who shouldn't be on the beach naked, so if you are unsightly and want to wear a teeny suit, who am i to complain? okay, well i am a snarky girl, and sure, i'll make fun, but still. go ahead.

but if you do, please, please, please don't show up at the pool with your make up caked on, your hair coiffed perfectly, and your suit a wee bit too tight to show off your ample boobs. and don't talk loudly, laugh garishly, and discuss men in categories of 'single and available?' or 'married, but to that shrew.' it's unattractive, really. no one wants to hear it. your kids would be embarrassed.

hit the pool with dirty hair, sans make up. wear a suit that fits. maybe - here's an idea - swim. everyone will be much happier. and the gaggle of girlies will get the looks they justly deserve. and you'll avoid the ridicule of people like me.